What is Attachment Needs & Fears?
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a humanistic, evidence-based approach to psychotherapy, drawing primarily from attachment theory to help couples and individuals build secure emotional bonds. Beginning in the 1980s, Dr. Johnson integrated experiential therapy with the attachment research of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth to create a structured approach that helps people recognize patterns of disconnection and build secure emotional connection.
This worksheet names the three core signals that define secure attachment in close relationships: accessibility (being emotionally present and reachable), responsiveness (noticing and caring about your partner's pain), and engagement (choosing the relationship and showing it). The activity guides clients to articulate what they need most from their partner and what they fear losing, making visible the attachment question that underlies reactive cycles: Are you there for me?
How therapists use it
Introduce this worksheet when a couple or individual is caught in reactive patterns—pursuit, withdrawal, anger, shutdown—and you want to access the attachment needs beneath those reactions. Have the client work through the three signals and name what each one means to them, then identify their deepest fear about losing it. In session, use their responses to help them communicate these needs from a place of vulnerability rather than blame, and to help their partner understand what they're actually reaching for. The worksheet creates a bridge from surface conflict to the attachment longing underneath.
Who it's for
EFT combines experiential and systemic techniques to expand emotional responses and cycles of interaction, and has been used to treat depression, chronic illness, and anxiety disorders. This worksheet suits couples and individuals working on relationship distress, particularly those whose conflicts mask deeper fears about connection and safety. It's especially useful when partners are stuck in reactive cycles and need help naming what they actually need rather than what they're fighting about. It works less well for clients who are not yet ready to access vulnerability, or who are in acute crisis requiring immediate safety planning.
What clients see
The client reads descriptions of the three attachment signals—accessible, responsive, engaged—and reflects on what each one means in their relationship. They then name their deepest fear about losing each signal, and identify which signal matters most to them right now. The worksheet creates space for honest naming without judgment.
Modality fit
EFT assumes that accessibility and responsiveness are the building blocks of a secure attachment. This worksheet directly operationalizes that core assumption by having clients name and explore these signals and the fears that arise when they feel uncertain. The deepening of attachment emotion occurs when a therapist helps each partner to identify the primary emotion underlying reactive moves, and the fundamental therapeutic focus is on deepening and expanding primary attachment fears and longings.
Common questions
When should I assign this worksheet?
Use it when a couple is stuck in reactive patterns and you want to shift focus from the surface issue to the attachment need underneath. It works best after you've established safety and the couple is ready to access vulnerability. It's also useful for individuals working on understanding their own attachment patterns.
What do I do with what the client brings back?
In session, use their responses to help them communicate their needs from a softer, more vulnerable place. Help their partner hear the fear and longing beneath the complaint. This often creates a corrective emotional experience where the withdrawing partner opens up and the pursuing partner risks reaching for connection.
Does this work for all relationship problems?
It works best for couples whose conflict masks attachment insecurity. It's less useful for couples in acute crisis, those with active substance use or untreated mental illness, or those not yet ready for emotional vulnerability. Always assess safety and readiness first.
Can I use this with individuals, not just couples?
Yes. EFT is effective in treating individuals (EFIT), couples (EFCT), and families (EFFT), addressing a wide range of issues from marital distress to individual anxiety and trauma. Individuals can use it to understand their own attachment patterns and what they need from relationships.
How does this fit into the broader EFT process?
EFT assessment involves creating a therapeutic alliance and explicating core issues using an attachment perspective, identifying the problem interactional cycle that maintains attachment insecurity, and accessing the unacknowledged emotions underlying interactional positions. This worksheet supports all three steps.