What is DEAR MAN?
DEAR MAN is an interpersonal effectiveness skill from DBT, or Dialectical Behavior Therapy—a type of cognitive-behavioral therapy Marsha Linehan originally developed in the 1980s for chronically suicidal individuals diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. It is now used far more widely, including for anxiety, depression, and other conditions.
The worksheet guides a client through seven steps: describe the situation, express your feelings, assert your request, reinforce why the other person should agree, stay mindful if they push back, appear confident in your delivery, and negotiate if needed. A client works through each step before having the conversation, then practices the skill in real interactions.
How therapists use it
Introduce DEAR MAN when a client needs to make a request, set a boundary, or say no, but worries about damaging the relationship or losing their self-respect. Have them complete the worksheet before the conversation, filling in what they'll say at each step. After they use the skill, ask what happened: Did they stay on track? What did the other person do? What would they do differently next time? The structure helps them prepare and gives you material to review in session.
Who it's for
Interpersonal effectiveness is especially helpful for clients whose anxiety makes it difficult to tell others no, or who struggle with healthy responses to everyday situations. DBT is a powerful choice for clients whose anxiety or depression is intertwined with trauma, emotional sensitivity, or relationship difficulties. DEAR MAN works best for clients who can identify a specific request or boundary they need to set and who are willing to practice the steps before the conversation. It is less suited to clients in acute crisis or those who lack the cognitive capacity to work through a structured worksheet.
What clients see
The client reads the skill description and works through seven prompts, one for each step of DEAR MAN. They write what they will describe, express, assert, reinforce, and negotiate, and note how they will appear confident and stay mindful. The worksheet is three screens long.
Modality fit
DEAR MAN is one of the interpersonal effectiveness skills taught in DBT, a structured therapy that combines cognitive-behavioral techniques with mindfulness and acceptance-based work.
Sources
- Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition. Guilford Press
Common questions
When should I assign DEAR MAN?
DEAR MAN gives a framework for clear, respectful communication that provides context for a request, invites consideration of the other person's perspective, and stays open to negotiation. You can also use it to say no or turn down a request. Assign it when a client has a specific conversation coming up where they need to ask for something or set a boundary.
How does DEAR MAN fit with anxiety and depression?
Anxiety may make it difficult for a client to tell others no. Focusing on interpersonal effectiveness allows them to practice healthy responses to everyday situations, including anxiety, so they can handle them better in real life. DBT has been shown to reduce symptoms of both depression and anxiety in people with generalized anxiety disorder.
What if my client doesn't follow the steps exactly?
The worksheet is a guide, not a script. Some clients will adapt the steps to fit their style. The goal is to help them think through what they want to say and how they want to show up before the conversation. Use what they actually do as material for the next session.
Can I use DEAR MAN with clients who have trouble with structure?
DEAR MAN works best when a client can sit with a worksheet and plan ahead. If your client struggles with executive function or is in crisis, a simpler skill or a conversation in session may be more helpful. You can always come back to it when they're more stable.